THE STOKE TRAVEL BOOZE LETTER: EPISODE FIVE

The morning after the night before.

Scene: 10 am, inside someone's mind, inside a tent, Valencia.

"Mmmmmmwuuuaaaah! Aaaaah! Huh? Where I am I? My god my mouth is dry. Why am I in a tent? Why are my shoes still on? What is that taste in my mouth? My god there is half a pizza in bed with me.... wonder what is on the other side.... who is that? Kinda cute. Why are those people outside playing music? Why are they chanting 'chug' over and over again? I'd better go and see..."

And this is from one of the lucky ones.

Breakfast is served. It is hot. It is delicious. It is even more delicious with ketchup. Eat it.

There are already people drinking beers. It may be a little early for you, but you appreciate their enthusiasm. You politely decline their offer.

Two minutes later. You accept their offer.

Maybe a dip in sea is called for. Maybe a shower in the amenities block. Definitely a brush of the old teeth and tongue. Does that nocturnal mouth pissing elephant work in Valencia too?

Once everyone is up an at them we go into Valencia again, this time by day. We'll do a walking tour, stop at some bars for beers, grab some lunch, see the sights.

It is a beautiful city.

Then it is back to the camp to do what we do best for a while.

Sooner or later, though, we're going to have to get dolled up. Tonight we go to a nightclub. A famous nightclub, a big nightclub. A nightclub with people and drinks and lights and music, which are on my mind.

Like I always say, you guys look amazing already, but tonight you're just going to go that one extra step, aren't you?

Fellahs follow the ladies lead. You want to keep pace you better pick up your game son.

Woop woop.

I don't need to tell you what happens next. You already know. This is choose your own adventure shit.

Alls I know, is take the opening paragraph and repeat. Repeat but change a few details. Maybe eat the pizza. Maybe remove your shoes. Maybe remove more clothing. Who am I to say?

info@stoketravel.com for ALL of your questions.

Stoke Travel - they only let us into clubs because we bring you!

THE STOKE TRAVEL GUIDE TO LAS FALLAS: EPISODE FOUR

The Burning.

Now for the fun part.

Not that the rest wasn't fun, it was so lovely travelling on the bus with you all, and how was that pool party, ha ha.

But it is time for us to head into Valencia.

Many, maybe most, of you have never attended one of Spain's street parties.

They occur mostly in summer; The Running of the Bulls, La Tomatina, and a plethora of smaller, crazy, local festivals.

We have been to more than we could possibly remember (lots of booze) and would like to pass on some of our expertise.

Dress. I suggest that you wear something nice, but something that you don't mind staining. A white t-shirt is always a good top covering and some jeans.

You will have wine spilled, or thrown, on you. I say white t-shirt as a wine stained shirt makes for an awesome souvenir.

Shoes, wear shoes, people get over excited at these things and smash glass. I've seen some gashes and slices that have opened up so deep the meaning of life is revealed. Shoes prevent this.

Camera, figgaro figgaro fiiiiiiggaro camera. Make sure that puppy withstands flying sangria, or wrap the motherlicker in a plastic bag.

What happens?

Well our beautiful bus driver once again pretends to see that we aren't taking booze onto his bus.

We load up and we take the short, Mediterranean hugging, drive to the center of town.

Once in town we jostle for position. There are going to be thousands, thousands, of people there with the same purpose.

To watch people burn things.

There will be music and we'll be dancing and the spirits will be oh so high.

Once the fire brigade has assessed the situation and deemed the environment safe (as safe as any tight quartered city street with a 30 foot bonfire in the middle of it can be) they light the statues.

These things are huge, made out of paper, and can depict absolutely anything.

There are also a million fireworks, and while we will all be looking beautiful we'll be surrounded by other beauties.

Woo hoo!

Once it is all done and dusted we'll jump back on the bus and head back to camp where a few more drinks, a few more tales and a few more amazing dance moves will go down.

My goodness that sounds like fun.

info@stoketravel.com for absolutely everything.

Stoke Travel - build 'em up and burn 'em down.

THE STOKE TRAVEL GUIDE TO LAS FALLAS: EPISODE THREE

Camp Life.

Just the mention of the word 'camp' conjures up images of roughing it, fighting bears, chopping wood with one's bare hands.

Bear Grylls, Grizzly Adams, Yogi Bear, Pic-a-nic baskets.

I must take this opportunity now to apologize to anyone who signed up for this trip desiring to drink their own urine.

We will not be. We will not even be setting up our own tents. We will not be forced to go without showering for any longer than a couple of hours.

The only wild animals will be your alter egos after a few hours of drinking and dancing.

Well there might be a couple of cougars around, but they won't endanger your life. Probably enhance it a little.

Oh, and our camp monkeys who arrive a day before and set everything up. They get the beers and wines and sangrias on ice. They wire up the sound system. They lay out the designated flip cup and beer pong tables.

They even put together the beer bong.

Said beer bong will be awaiting your arrival. It is mandatory that everyone at least gives it a go once.

Our camp is attached to the pool, so given the drinks and the music and the H2O I smell a pool party.

There are amenities. Showers and sinks and toilets and power sockets for hair dryers, straighteners, blackberries.

This is five star camping.

The campsite is adjacent to the beach, but surrounded by a fence. There is a shop and a bar, so if you crave something that we don't provide it will be readily at hand.

Every morning the camp monkeys conspire to whip y'all up a steaming hot breakfast. They will offer to serve you said breakfast with an ice cold beer.

I suggest you consider their offer.

Please don't hesitate to send us any queries, booking inquiries, suggestions, abuse - info@stoketravel.com

Stoke Travel - as camp as a row of tents.

THE STOKE TRAVEL GUIDE TO LAS FALLAS: EPISODE TWO

The Road.

So you are packed. You've followed my instructions and you have everything you need.

All contingencies are covered, you are practical, yet glamorous. Oh so chic and European now baby, but you want to throw some sangria on me, or play touch rugby on the beach, baby, baby, baby I am ready.

Perhaps you will take your bags to class, maybe you will have the day off, if I know you guys you will be hungover. Mostly.

Make sure you make the bus on time, make sure you are no more than zero minutes late. Not that we won't wait a little for you, but this is FALLAS, you want EVERY SECOND of this trip.

The bus leaves from the Hard Rock Cafe and the bus leaves on Friday, March the 19th, at 12pm.

You know, the Hard Rock Cafe on Plaza Catalunya? The one with all the rock 'n' roll paraphernalia.

No the bus company has told us, in the strictest of terms, that there will be no alcohol to be consumed on the bus.

But I have always said that what the bus driver doesn't see won't hurt him (nudge nudge nudge nudge).

Those carry on bags can hold an awfully large numbers of cans and bottles (wink wink wink wink).

The trip should take about three hours. It could take five. Who cares? We've got music, peers, members of the opposite, and same, sex, me on the microphone.

When we are together time is irrelevant.

Leaving during the day like we are we'll take in the sights, the ravashing Catalunya will blend into the delicious Communidad Valenciana, so beautifully named.

On your left you will see the Mediterranean, her turquoise eyes winking at you, enticing you into her hedonistic depths.

The right? Farms, and sometimes mountains. The engine room, so to speak.

Whilst we are doing this fellow pyromaniacs are making their way to our camp from Spain and beyond, by plane, by train, probably not by automobile.

But we all have the same destination - goodtimes.

And the beauty of this trip? Our camp monkeys have already got everything set up, your beer and sangria cold, and the tunes puh-huh-huh-humping!

Got any transport related, or any any, enquiries?

info@stoketravel.com, claro?

Stoke Travel - many different types of wheel on our bus.

THE STOKE TRAVEL GUIDE TO LAS FALLAS: EPISODE ONE

Prior Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance.

Aka the six P's. A mantra used by the Australian Special Forces when fighting alongside their lovely American colleagues.

Piss poor means bad.

So we are basically talking here about what to pack for Las Fallas.

Firstly, and most importantly, you should book a seat. Whether as an individual (lone wolf) or in a group (wolf pack).

If you are in another city look at flights, buses, trains to Barcelona or Valencia. It aint too difficult, and the lovely interns at Stoke Towers are here to help.

Next the packing. Please, and I mean puh-leeeeease, leave this until the last minute.

Pack a towel. Pack a towel for drying yourself after the pool, after the beach, after the shower. One towel is sufficient.

Pack some sunscreen. Valencia is typically more sunny, hot and dry than Barcelona, and compared to the rest of Europe - forget about it.

Six P's.

You are going to need clothing. You are going to need regular clothing in addition to some special ops gear. Take notes:

- something to swim in.
- something to get covered in wine in (for the festival, something that IF it gets stained YOU won't be devastated).
- something special for our club night.
- something to sleep in.

Shoes. Shoes that'll get you into the club and shoes that'll enable you to walk the streets and not get cut by glass. Stoke also recommends Flip Flops.

A camera. Surgically attach it to your hand - this is a once in a lifetime and it would be a shame to not be able to 'tag that shit'.

Your passport. We'll store this one, and whilst we are never crossing borders, you never know.

Six P's.

Some money. Stoke will be running it's infamous all-you-can-drink-5-euros-a-day bar, and providing a hot, steaming, hangover murdering breakfast each morning in addition to a delightful BBQ dinner one night. That leaves a couple of meals and a few drinks outside of the camp and souvenirs and maybe a cab ride if for some (sexy) reason you get separated from the herd....

Six P's.

Sunglasses, duh, because they are oh so hot and we are beautiful and young and glamorous and in the prime of our lives, goddamnit!

Toiletries. Wash, preen, scrub, brush, clip, moisturize, fragrance, flirt.

Prophylactics. Frangers. Dingers. Jonnies. Condoms. Because you never know.

Six P's.

A hat. A nice hat. Because, as above, it is expected to be warm and sunny. And, six P's, we don't want any premature aging.

(A pillow - the only thing we don't supply to aid your cutting of the Z's - that is some inside information shit).

And that is all I can think of. This list is by no means exhaustive, there will be more and I'll update you as they come to me.

So remember the six P's, remember to email info@stoketravel.com with any questions about anything, remember to check http://stoketravel.com/valencia.htm for trip details and remember to come.

It. Is. Going. To. Be. Incredible.

Stoke Travel - prior preparing since 2011